The Truest of Apologies
by Vintage Tea Party
Summary: It's been five days since Rose's father died and she's still struggling but not for the reason that the Doctor suspected. Once he realizes the problem, will he be able to make it up to her and will she be able to forgive herself? Takes place after episode 1:8 "Father's Day."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This story takes place after Series 1 Episode 8 "Father's Day." I couldn't help but think that these two would have quite a bit to say to each other after the events of this episode. There will be two chapters in this story.**

The Doctor was just pulling his leather jacket on as he walked into the control room and was surprised to find that Rose was already there. She was sitting in the jump seat staring at the console in front of her so deep in thought, she didn't even seem to notice his entrance into the room. He woke up so early that he always beat here but he was glad to find her there. Though she seemed sad he was glad that she was there and was hopeful that maybe she was ready to go somewhere.

It had been five days since Rose had witnessed her dad's death and since then she had been in a very solemn mood. She'd spent most of the time in her room, keeping to herself and had refused his invitations to go anywhere or do anything. He had not pressed her on the matter because he knew that she needed the time to mourn. Though she had not known her father before and could not remember when he died, she could now put a face and voice to him and had had to witness his death right in front of her. The experience had been a traumatic one to put it lightly. He hated that she was so sad and he knew that it was his fault for taking her to a time he should have known would have been too painful for her.

He had known that it was bad idea to take her back and see her dad. He knew it was an even worse idea when she asked him to take her to the day her dad had died so that she could be there with him. He heard the voice in the back of his head; he saw the possible outcomes laid out in front of his eyes. He cringed now to think about how he had ignored the voices in his head when he and Rose had even returned to the same point they had already been. It was bad enough that he had allowed her the first opportunity to say goodbye to her dad; returning a second time was inexcusable. But in this case he had done the very unusual thing for him and had let his hearts do the thinking. She was so sad and shy when she had asked him if they could go. Rose hardly ever asked for anything and when she did ask for something he wanted to give her everything.

She was the only one who could cause him to let his hearts do the thinking because she was really the only who got his hearts beating. She was the best thing that had happened to him in so long and she was changing his heart. In this very short time he had fallen hopelessly in love with this human girl and he only ever wanted her to be happy. That's why he had taken her back even when his mind knew it couldn't possibly end on a happy note. "Your wish is my command," he replied and that really said it all.

And that is why it was so hard to watch her now.

In these past few days he had missed her. She had spent most of her time away from him and he had given her space. Even when he had seen her in the days since her father's death, things had felt strained. He could sense the amount of distress that she was in. She didn't talk much and he didn't even know where to begin to know what to say to her. He had gone on with his everyday life because he knew it was the right thing but he honestly missed her terribly. He missed her being by his side and her hand in his. He wanted to see her smile again and hear her heart lifting laugh. He had come to rely heavily on the comfort and happiness she brought to his life.

So, seeing her now was an immense relief to him.

"Good morning," he said as he came to stand next to where she was sitting.

"Mornin'," she replied simply back.

The Doctor felt himself shift back and forth on his feet, searching for words. He was not at all good with these sorts of things. It was always hard to know where to start but it was made even more difficult by everything they had been through and the five days of near silence that had passed between them." Do you..uh, want to talk about it?" he had hoped his voice could sound calm but even he could hear the nervous tone in it.

"No," she said quickly.

"Anywhere you would like to go?" he asked letting her choose the destination if she wanted. He asked calmly, not wanting to overwhelm her even though he was bursting to go somewhere, anywhere, with her.

"No. Not really," she shrugged not looking at him.

"Well, would you prefer the past or the future?"

"I don't want to go anywhere."

"Come on, Rose."

"I said I don't want to go anywhere," she said a little sharply getting up and walking a few steps away her back toward him.

It had been a while but the Doctor had traveled with women before but he knew what this meant. There was a storm brewing on the horizon. Rose stood beside the console, playing with a zipper on her jacket and looking down. She acted like she was mad but she hadn't left and he knew there was something she wanted to talk about.

"Rose," he said gently walking over to stand in front of her. "I know you're upset about your dad and that's perfectly understandable. But I think maybe getting out and doing something would be good. It might help take your mind off it. You know?"

She kept looking down for a few more moments, giving the zipper on her jacket attention as if it were the most interesting of all subjects, before she looked up and said in a small voice. "I don't think I should do that."

"Why is that?"

"It's not important."

"Of course it is."

"You have more important things to worry about than me."

"Rose...its just me and you," he said quietly. "Here and now. That's what exists. That's what's important to me."

His forthrightness took her by surprise. He did not usually express his feelings so directly if at all. It made her melt, especially in light of what had happened.

She started to cry even though she didn't want to. He put a hand on her arm and rubbed it. "Rose…I'm sorry I couldn't save him. I truly am."

"What?" she asked looking up at him.

"I said I'm sorry I couldn't save your father," he said looking down feeling like a failure. "I tried. I just…couldn't."

"Oh," she said her voice cracking on the word, realization dawning on her face. Her tears began to increase in their intensity and the Doctor's unease began to grow. "That…that isn't why I'm upset."

Now the Doctor was confused. He couldn't imagine what else might be troubling her so much. "Then what is it?"

After a pause she answered. "I'm no good. I shouldn't be traveling with you."

The Doctor was momentarily stunned by her words. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm just a screw up. I'm stupid. I can't do anything right. I just get in the way."

"Don't say such things," he was beginning to get upset at hearing her say such terrible and completely untrue things about herself.

"You'd be a lot better off if I weren't here."

"That," he said placing his hands on her shoulders and looking directly into her eyes, "Is not the truth at all."

"But it is true. I make things worse. I do stupid things and then you have to fix them."

"Rose, stop talking like this right now."

"But you said it!" she said forcefully with a hint of anger in her voice. Then her voice dropped to a quiet and defeated level. "And you were right."

He pulled back shocked at her words...because it was true. He _had_ said it. He had said she was stupid. He had told her she couldn't do anything right. His words played back in his mind. _"I did it again. I picked another stupid ape." "I'm not stupid." "You could have fooled me." "Can't I do anything right?" "Since you asked, no." _He winced at their harshness when he remembered. What had he done?

"Rose..." he said quietly, looking down, searching for words and unable to look her in the eyes.

"There's no need."

"Wait…I-"

"You don't need to apologize. Because you were right. You took me back to see my Dad and I screwed it up. In my stupidity I almost ended the world. I shouldn't be here; I shouldn't be where my dumb actions have such great consequences."

The Doctor was still fumbling to find words to fix the mess he had made. How could he have said that? How could he have ever called his dear, sweet, lovely Rose dumb? How could he have confirmed that she couldn't do _anything_ right? He didn't mean that. She had made a mistake, just a mistake. She was a human and she hadn't been traveling with him long. How could she be expected to understand all the laws of time? He knew that now but that did not erase the words he had said in haste.

He's just been angry but it was no excuse. He often let his temper get the best of him. He was a passionate man; but that meant intensity in all of his emotions, not just the good ones. He really tried but in the most heated of situations when other parts of him were compromised it got away from him. And it wasn't even that he had been angry when he called her a dumb ape (he cringed. Had he _really_ said that?). He had been hurt.

He thought he had been betrayed. Again. And the thought that it had occurred with Rose, someone he had come to hold so dear, had clouded his eyes. He had been crazed by the thought that she didn't really care, that she had been using him all along.

He had never thought that after the war he would ever find anyone who could put up with him, let alone care for him. He would be the first to admit (to himself if no one else) that he had never been an easy man to get along with. But after the war even he hated himself. There was so much bad in him that he couldn't imagine that anyone would want to be around and he didn't blame them for not wanting to. But Rose chose to be with him. Rose chose to stay with him. She actually chose to care about him. It was so special to him and it meant so much to him. He truly was the monster he always believed himself to be when he realized he was capable of hurting her like this.

"I never realized that I could do that much damage," she continued on as he struggled with himself. "And even after I had messed things up you were trying to find a way around the inevitable just to spare my feelings. And it got you..."her voice cracked, unable to finish the sentence.

"I…I didn't-" he stammered still struggling with his words.

"Do you think its the first time that I have heard that I'm dumb, the first time that I've heard that I can't do anything right? Because its not. I've heard it many times." She said looking down.

The Doctor felt horrible. He had so many insecurities of his own and so much of a past that it was so easy to forget; Rose had her own. How alike the two of them were in the fact that she didn't show them, or talk about them but they were there. And now he with his big stupid mouth had been a cause to confirm hers.

He was still struggling to find words to say to her when she added, nearly a whisper. "I've just never cared this much," she said covering her mouth with one of her hands and looking down.

He silently reached out a hand towards her, longing to comfort her. But before he could she was turning and leaving. "I'm sorry," she said leaving him standing there. Alone.

His hand still hovered out in the air. He had really screwed up here and as it turned out it was worse than he had imagined. He had hurt Rose and in one of the worst ways for her. All he ever wanted to do was make her happy. That was why he had taken her back in the first place. He never wanted to hurt her but he had done just that. Him and his big stupid mouth.

He had to find a way to apologize to Rose, to fix what he had broken here, to show her how much he adored her.

* * *

Rose laid on her bed thinking about the conversation she'd had with the Doctor, a conversation she had not wanted to have and wondering what would happen now.

Rose couldn't believe how much it had hurt to hear those words from the Doctor. She was quite use to hearing that she was stupid. It used to be a way of life for her. She used to attract every kind of person who would only put her down. Why she ever put up with it she wasn't quite sure but she had and for much too long. And even though it had hurt at the time because she had actually believed the people that used those words cared about her, it was nothing like this. She knew that he had just been upset and he probably had not meant those words that he said. She had never believed anyone when they had told her those things but she believed it when the Doctor told her.

She never expected to hear those words from the Doctor's lips and it hurt more than she wanted to admit. It actually kind of surprised her how much it bothered her. The Doctor had always been someone to make her feel special. It was one of the things that had drawn her to him. He made her feel like she was worth something, that she mattered. She was sad to admit that she hadn't felt that way most of her life. People tended to take her for granted.

But what was even worse than being hurt that he had said those words was knowing that she had deserved them. The Doctor was right. She was stupid. She couldn't do anything right. Her actions had almost led to the destruction of Earth and had led to the Doctor's death.

That was really what had been troubling these past few days. It had made her realize just how much the Doctor had come to mean to her because she had almost lost him. Her and the Doctor had not been traveling together for very long yet but this incident had made her realize that she may even be falling in love with him. That brief yet excruciatingly long period of time when she thought he was dead had been almost unbearable. And she was the cause.

It had all made her think that maybe she shouldn't be traveling with him. It was her actions, her mistakes, that he was trying to undue when he had gotten killed. Maybe she wasn't the best thing for him after all. She had thought that traveling with him, she was helping him, that maybe she was good for him but now she wasn't sure.

Come to think of it now, she wasn't really sure why the Doctor had even chosen her to come along with him in the first place. Why had he ever asked _her _to travel with him? She was nothing special. She grew up on a council estate. She had no A levels. She worked in a shop and had done nothing of importance with her life. It must have been a fluke that he decided to take her along. It must have been that she just happened to be in the right place at the right time and then she really wouldn't let him evade her questions. She had saved his life and maybe he thought he should invite her along because he owed her. But maybe now her real colors were showing and he would realize his mistake and decide to choose a more competent companion.

There was a knock on the door and Rose sighed. She didn't know what she would say to him; she had so many emotions running around in her head right now. "Come in," she called out, sitting up and facing the door.

The Doctor didn't come in. Puzzled, she got up and walked to the door. She opened it and was surprised to see that the Doctor was not there. She looked down the hall and did not see him but when she looked down there was a gift box with a note on it. She picked it up and read the note. It was the Doctor's hand writing and said "Meet me outside in 30 minuets."

Despite everything that was going on Rose couldn't help but be curious. She heard the hum of the TARDIS and knew that the Doctor had already plugged in coordinates for a new destination. She went back inside her room and opened the box. Inside it she found a lovely olive green knee length evening dress with shoes and jewelry to match. Her curiosity grew even deeper. Where could the Doctor possibly be taking her that she would need to be dressed up? She couldn't imagine but she took comfort in the fact that surely he wouldn't have her dress up just to take her home.

Half an hour later she was making one final check in the mirror to make sure that she looked alright. It wasn't often that she dressed up. She had always been a girl who dressed more for comfort than for style and that only increased when she started traveling with the Doctor. Their lives involved so much running that it only made sense to wear the most functional of clothing. But she liked getting dressed up once in a while and she liked the way she looked in this dress. It complimented her very well and fit her perfectly; she wondered how he had gotten it so right.

As she placed her hand on the doorknob she felt a prick of nervousness in her stomach. That was absurd; there was no reason to be nervous around the Doctor. She was never nervous around the Doctor and this was no time to start. She shook it off and stepped out of the TARDIS.

**What will Rose find? How will the Doctor fix this? Reviews feed the muse! **


	2. Chapter 2

Rose found herself on a quiet street as she walked out of the TARDIS. Night had fallen and there were only a few people walking around the area. She recognized the street as one not far from her home but she could clearly see the time was not her own. A theater stood directly in front of her. In her time it was an old theater from the early 1900's that had been turned into a movie theater. She had often gone there to see a movie as a child. Unfortunately, it had fallen into disrepair and had closed some years earlier. She had always been amazed by the old theater and had often pondered what it must have been like in its time. Even though time had taken its toll on the theater she could tell it had once been majestic.

But as she was across the street from the theater now she could tell that it was not that old at all. It stood impressive and new. The cars on the street were also a good clue as to what year it was though she could not tell the exact year just from tasting the air as the Doctor seemed to be able to do. She felt a thrill of excitement go through her as she realized that this is where he had brought her and that she would actually get to see it. She did not see any sign of him as she made her way across the street and to the theater.

She opened the doors and walked in, not seeing anyone. The theater was massive, filled with thousands of deep red velvet covered seats on the floor and the large balcony. A deep turquoise colored the ceiling with white clouds and angel figures painted all along it. Massive ornate gold colored wood carvings stood on either side of the stage which was wrapped in waves of red curtains. It was mostly dark in the theater except for soft golden light coming out of hidden places all around the auditorium. She had never seen the theater in such a beautiful state and her mouth literally hung open at the sight of it.

"Blimey," she whispered to herself.

"I hope that means you're pleased," she heard the Doctor call out.

She jumped slightly as his voice broke the silence in the massive room. She whipped her focus back to the stage where the Doctor's voice had come from. He stepped out from one side of the stage and she was shocked to see that he was wearing a tux. She looked down at herself a little self consciously as she slowly made her way the rest of the way up to the stage.

She walked up the steps to join him on the stage but stopped with space in between them, too much space in between them. They both looked around and stood in silence for a few seconds before he spoke.

"You look beautiful," he said sincerely. She looked up at him and waited for a few moments for him to add some comment like 'for a human' to remove the seriousness of the moment. But for the first time since she had known him he did not.

"Thank you," she managed to say in response, looking down as she felt herself blush. "The dress is perfect."

"I had a bit of help from the TARDIS on that," he admitted. "I'm glad you like it."

"I do. She did a good job. You look quite dashing," she said gesturing towards him.

"Thank you," he said looking a bit embarrassed himself. She was very surprised to see that he was not the confident sure man he usually was. "So what do you think?" he said gesturing out towards the theater.

"It's amazing. I always loved this theater. I always wanted to see it like this. I would say that it is pretty early in its history."

"This is the very night that the theater opened," he said with a goofy excited smile. "I thought you might want to see the opening show. But I convinced the man in charge to let us in for a few moments before the action started."

Rose's breath caught in her throat and she looked away as in this special moment it came crashing down on her. This was traveling with the Doctor. This was seeing the impossible; anything you could ever want and everything you could never dream of. She'd only just scratched the surface of it. And she realized that none of it should be hers. These adventures were amazing but they carried with them a responsibility. She'd never really realized that before. There were rules set in place for a reason and she had not followed them.

"Why did you bring me here?" she asked quietly still looking out over the theater rather than looking at him. She didn't deserve this. It was so special and she didn't deserve it. Especially at a time like this.

"I remember you talking about it one time when we were home," his voice turning serious at the distress he sensed in her. "We were passing by and you said you would have loved to see it when it was new. It had occurred to me then to bring you, I just never did," he said. Then thinking and adding in a distant voice "I don't know why I always put things off."

"But why now?" she said looking back at him.

"I wanted to do something special for you."

Rose's eyes filled with tears. "Why?" The last thing she felt like she deserved right now was him doing anything special for her. "Why should you want to anything special for me?"

"Because you're special."

"Doctor I-"

"Rose…please let me start." The remaining traces of excitement left his face and it started to cloud with darkness. He stepped towards her closing the gap between them and took both of her hands in his own and knelt in front of her. Her tears were becoming harder and harder to contain as she saw him in this humble position. She looked down at him but at first he didn't look at her but down at the ground.

"I don't know how to fix this," he said and his voice was heavy with emotion; something she was not used to hearing. "I have made a mess and I don't know how to fix it."

"You didn't..."

"Yes, I did," he said stopping her words and looking up at her. "I messed up horribly." There were tears in his eyes and she was taken aback. Seeing tears in his eyes made it impossible for her to keep hers in her eyes anymore.

"Doctor?"

"I'm sorry. To think that I made you feel that way...it's the very opposite of what I would want you to think."

This was so unlike him. He always concealed his emotions or tried to anyway. Even when he really wasn't he was, as he said, always fine. But right now, he was being completely honest with her. He was being vulnerable for her. He was sad, truly sad, and he was letting her see because she was the reason why.

This was the truest of apologies: to see that hurting her had truly hurt him. Seeing him, who was always striving to be happy and composed, in a state of openness and tears meant more than any words he could say. Because words could be faked; it was so easy to say false words. But this display of raw emotions could not. He did not need to say how much he regretted what he had done; she saw it.

"Rose, you mean so much to me. I can't believe that I said what I did. Being among anyone that made you feel bad about yourself is not a place that I want to be."

"I shouldn't have said that. It's not your fault what anyone else has said."

"No, its not. But I am responsible for my own words. I don't think you're stupid. I don't think you can't do anything right. I don't," he said squeezing her hands for emphasis. "I don't need to tell you that I'm not very good at this," he said pausing searching for words that were difficult to say, for once being completely honest about his feelings. "I've been on my own for a long time. I have forgotten how to be around people. I know that it's not an excuse but I often get carried away and speak before I think."

She took one of her hands and placed it on his cheek. "It's fine. I know you didn't mean it."

"I know that I hurt you."

"It did hurt to hear you say that," she admitted. "I won't try to pretend like it didn't. But I deserved it. I was out of line both with the things I did and with the things I said."

There was very deep regret in his face when he spoke again. "You are so valuable to me. I'm so fortunate that you want to travel with me. I…can you…I'm sorry."

It didn't matter that she didn't blame him. It didn't matter that in her eyes there was nothing forgive. It didn't matter that she didn't need to say it; he needed to hear it. This man who blamed himself for everything, for things that were in his control and out of his control alike, for things that were dead and buried and could never be forgiven, he needed to hear that he was forgiven. There were times he could never hear those words and other times it would simply be withheld, but this time he could be allowed to hear it and she wanted him to hear it.

Tears continued to burn her eyes. She hadn't meant to make him feel this way but even though it wasn't her intention she would fix it. She looked into his eyes her finger tips still gently against his cheek "I know you're sorry. I can see it so much. And I forgive you."

He hung his head at her words and she looked at this man and she knew. Though he had never explained, she knew. Before her he had been so lonely, so broken. He still was; she could see it right now. He was desperate for her. Before her there had been no one there for him; no one to care about him, to take care of him, to love him. He had thought that no one ever would again and he thought he deserved it. He hated himself, the things that he had done, the things that he was. He didn't think he deserved to be cared about.

She didn't know what was happening between them. She didn't know what he was becoming to her; there didn't seem to be a word for what he was to her. Much more than friendship but not yet romance. But one thing she did know was that she loved him. She had a good feeling she was falling in love with him. And she had been the end of him.

Rose placed her hands on his shoulders to steady herself. The Doctor looked up at her in confusion as her face contorted in pain. "Rose, what is it?"

"You were dead," she sobbed. "For an agonizing amount of time you were dead. And it was _my_ fault," she said losing control of the cascade of emotions that had wanted to burst forth. She started to sob and he opened his arms and she fell forward to rest on his lap and in his arms.

She sobbed as she mourned for him. It might not have been real now, the damage undone, but for a real amount of time it had been reality. To know she had the ability to cause it made it hard to forgive herself.

The pieces in the Doctor's head were starting to sort themselves out. He held her against him as she buried her face in his shoulder. He loved to hold her but his heart was breaking at the sound of her cries. As he realized that she blamed herself for this he put his hands on either side of her face and looked into her eyes. "Rose, whatever happens to me you are _never_ to blame yourself."

"But it was my fault!" she cried.

"No. I take responsibility for anything that happens to me. Got that?"

"But Doctor…it _was _my fault."

The Doctor was momentarily in awe. She mourned for _him_. She cared about _him_. All this time he had assumed that she was upset about how things had happened with her dad. He had assumed that she was sad because of his death and their inability to fix it. To an extent she was but it was not the greatest pain she held inside of her. All this time she was most upset about _his _death and the fact that she blamed herself for it. She had been upset about what he had said about her but she had also felt a lot of guilt too.

She needed to be forgiven just as much as he did. And he realized that he had not done so. He had asked her to say she was sorry for the events that she had caused and she had said it. He had smiled at her and hugged her and he thought that took care of things; he always assumed that actions spoke louder than words. But sometimes the words needed to be said too.

He wanted to tell her that she had nothing to be sorry about. He wanted to tell her that this whole thing really was his fault. He knew he held the responsibility here in every way. But Rose was holding the guilt of death upon her and he knew exactly how that felt. He didn't want her to carry that. And forgiveness was the only remedy.

Her face was still held between his hands. "Rose," he said most gently. "I'm not angry with you. Of course I forgive you. I never could blame you."

She smiled, tears still heavy on her face. He pulled her back in an embrace and for a long time she just rested her head against his shoulder. He loved having her in his arms. He could spend the next 900 years of his life doing what he was doing right now. He had missed her so much in these past few days and it was such a comfort to have her back. He needed her so much in every way.

Against him she took comfort being held in his strong arms. It was rare that they expressed themselves so freely and she was taking advantage of it. These past few days had been emotionally draining, made even more difficult by the fact that she had been separating herself from him. She needed him in so many ways and if she could just manage to not mess things up she would stay with him forever. Because traveling with him was the best thing that had ever happened to her and she loved every minute of it.

After a while he felt her relax against him and he stood up her hands still in his. He held one of them still in his and put his other on her waist. She smiled as she realized and she put her other hand on his shoulder. They swayed a little back and forth in the silence of the massive room.

"So, did you use the physic paper to get in here?" she asked with a smile.

"I'll have you know I used my wonderful charm to get us this lovely place all to ourselves."

She raised a questioning eyebrow at him. "OK," he admitted, "Charm _and_ plenty of currency."

"That sounds more like it," she said with a smile. "Well, either way it's perfect."

"Well…almost perfect," he said with a smile, stopping for a second to get the sonic out and point it at something to the side she could not see.

Music started to flood in around them. She laughed as he started to dance again. "You're right; now it's perfect."

"I'm glad you like it Rose," he said with a genuine smile.

"One might even say you were becoming a bit of a romantic," she said with a teasing smile.

"Oi!" he said in mock offense. "There's no need to go offending me."

"Oh, I wouldn't dream of it."

"Because if you're going to be that way about it Rose Tyler, then I might just stop this sort of thing all together," he said giving her a mock serious face. She gave him one in return but it wasn't long before they both cracked a smile and were laughing.

Forgiveness truly was a wonderful thing to experience


End file.
